11:37 p.m. - 2002-12-03
wow, this is long..sorry
So what I SHOULD be doing is an essay that's due in like, eleven and a half hours. What I AM doing is running my fingers to Dad about Mom's top secret Christmas present and attempting to "reach out" to my brother, unsucessfully, I might add. I realized this year that I hate Christmas, and no, you idiots, it has nothing to do with mistletoe. Mostly, it's this stupid "family" thing that bugs me...I mean, my "real" family is beyond bad. I know, guys...ya'll don't really care, and normally I reserve this sort of thing to my "real" journal, but whatever. It's in the room, and Skim and Skalex are in there right now, and I'm SUPPOSED to be doing this stupid essay.

I'm not mad at anyone...just feel really, I don't know. It's like, EVERYONE has SOMEONE...not in the romantic sense, just in general. Those who don't have a "signifigant other" have families, and those who don't have families are involved in stupid couply things...don't get me wrong; my friends are great. They're truly my REAL family, whether they like it or not...but they have real "real" families and siggies and sometimes, I'm in the way, I think. I know they love me, and they're my world. Which bothers me a little, especially here lately, 'cause, well...you know. They have their own worlds. So the optimal solution would be to find OTHER friends, only I don't want OTHER friends, I just want the ones I have. Okay, so MAYBE the couply thing wouldn't be so bad...only I always manage to screw THAT up. Not that I exactly have many options there; sometimes feels like I have the plague or something. But then, I don't really put forth any effort...unless you count the TarBoys...but then, there isn't really anyone here I felt like putting effort into to be friends with, let alone...couply thing. And besides all THAT, I'm no good at that. I mean, how can I ever have a family when I don't know the first thing about them? In all honesty, I don't know the first thing about relationships; I have a hard enough time being a good friend...and I'm not really sure I'm up to that, actually. So how could I ever manage girlfriend, or wife, or, God forbid, mother? And you wanna know a secret...deep down--or maybe not so deep down--I actually WANT those things. But really, people...you guys all know what kind of skitzo I am. How could I do any of those things without causing serious damage? I don't want my kids to turn out like me. I don't want to screw someone else up like I did Ed.

Oh, well. Like I said, not like I'm exactly getting the chance right now anyway. Oh, except for Ed...oh, well. Prolly gonna marry him, anyway. Good thing I'm wearing black.

That's all, guys. I'll try to write up some semi-humorous tale of TarBoys to make up for this self-pity purge and give you something new to read to distract you from seriousness....I wanna give a shout out to my boi Fred and his girl Wilma; Bubba Jr, Daddy loves you!! Holla!!!

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