12:51 p.m. - 2003-12-09
MonkeyShines
I've been watching people out on the lawn most of the morning, and it's really interesting, only not really, 'cause all they do is suck butt, and why would you intentionally do something that's eventually going to kill you someday? If you're gonna commit suicide, play it smart and do it in such a way that it only takes five minutes and you get the added bonus of having your lungs disintegrate inside your body after your dead instead of before. Watching them inhale buttsmoke was my study break; it's finals time, and I'm all stressing, except I'm not, because I only care enough to study for an hour and a half instead of an entire fortnight like all the beautiful morons that cohabitate this institution with me. Still, an hour and a half, that's something for the great Snade. This morning, my grandmother woke me up, mad as always, saying something about how I feel it's necessary to sleep my whole life away, just like my mother. She told me some of the money she gave me finally came through, only that's a lie, 'cause she never gave me any money, and when I pointed that out, she gave me my Christmas presents early. They were two books, something about famous facts nobody cares about concerning dead people and either bugs or plants, and I didn't even want them, but neither did she; she had them because the book club got her order wrong, so she told my mom about that and the late Blockbuster movies, since she didn't have to be mad at her anymore 'cause I was scum of the earth that particular day. Besides, all the movies they rented sucked. I went out to check on my morning glories; they were dying because I'm awful with plants. I tried to fix them and ended up hitting this tree; it grabbed itself and said, "Oh, no; I don't think I can stand up any longer", and fell down. Naturally, my grandmother wasn't happy about THAT, either, and I was kinda sad myself; I really liked that tree. So Grandmama took me and my mom to the City, and Jennifer turned up; she didn't smell like cat urine for a change, so that was cool. I broke my glasses and was gonna go get contacts 'cause she couldn't fix them, only we ran into Ed, and he took me to see Tally. On the way, we met up with Perfect; she had decided it would be a good idea to cut all her hair off, but later it all grew back, so she must be one of those Style-Hair Barbies or something like that. I was really glad to see her, even though Ed kept trying to scare her, so she took me to the house and showed me all her pets; she had some dwarf hamsters and a chinchilla that thought I was a hamburger. Mom and Dad came by, and Mom was mad 'cause Perfect had The Lion King one AND two, and said "Why couldn't I find that?", so Perfect, being perfect, put them somewhere where she could find them and went to hang out with Tally, who didn't mind if I played with a mouse trap.

That Troll told me I need to finish what I start, and I told him to suck my balls and gave him a handful of the ones I stole from work; they're made from the leftover shavings of all those bells and Kris Kringles, but he chewed them up, and now I feel really badly for making fun of the way George walks.

My tail is sore, and nobody will yank it for me because I'm the only one who can see it.

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