3:35 a.m. - 2002-05-04
:-(
Good morning, good morning...or maybe it's not so good; who really knows, anyway? Most of the people who don't really care are all asleep right now...i just got on aim and was propositioned for porn by two people, but are there any REAL people out there...no, of course not; they're all in bed, asleep, like I SHOULD be, but am not, b/c I am mentally beating myself in the head since I can't find anything sharp enough to do it physically. oh, look, there's a glass; it's the one that kaybay wants..nope, plastic, oh, well. Do any of you out there wonder what the point of this whole "existance" thing is? hey, mikey's here...maybe he'll talk to me; proly not since he's a male and it's just me, right? haha, he says he's getting his computer fixed...my arm burns a little from the fork (don't worry; no blood) i can't find my razors, apparently i packed them, except my shaving one, but when i found it, i didn't want to use it...now, when i get back to my room, the story may change....sorry, people, i know ya'll don't want to know this, but you had to wonder about "strawberry gashes" a little, right? maybe not, oh, well. people are supposed to be friends, they're supposed to be honest, tell each other how they feel...why does everyone hide so much? mikey's back; he wants me to go to chicago; i can't go to chicago...my family is here, all asleep....am i a monster? am i even enough to be a monster? what is happening to them? why won't they talk to each other? it doesn't matter if it's not me; i don't care, but keeping things from each other all the time is tearing them all apart. and i have nothing to keep from anyone because there isn't anything left inside of me to hide...or is there? mikey is talking about jerry maguire and goldfish and goldfish is supposed to help me but my letters area ll still little and i know good and well that area ll is supposed to be separated but i won't fix it because i dont care oops left out a comma, oh well there go a few periods too, who needs those, anyway? mikey is trying to help, how can he help me? would insert a cursing word there but no, won't do that, sara doesn't do that, what does sara do anyway? not much of anything but drive the only people she's ever loved insane with her stupid little breakdowns, god, if i were one of sara's friends, i'd hand her the razor and offer to make the final cut myself, but who knows, so many secrets half the time one of them at least may feel that way and just won't say it, ha, it's probly brian, he hates me anyway, bet he'd laugh at this if he ever thought it worthy of his time to bother reading it and why do i care that he won't talk to me anyway is it b/c that seems to happen a lot in my non life, stupid males why even bother. was i not enough stimulation hit by a brick the other day just when i thought that i'm okay didn't like my conversation i can't come up with something new, doewn't really matter what i do, so here's my observation, you could never see things through my eyes and i'm too tired to try hahahaha, flowers are pretty, i want some, i want my girls to have some, al, pop, dad, whoever, get your girls flowers; they are good girls, even if some of them do keep too much inside....i just realized that silly sally should sell bananas by the sea shore; she'd probly get more for them. don't understand this banana thing, don't really even like them that much, think my favorite fruit is peaches, even though i've claimed it's strawberry for years now he's talking about banana fish and massage, al was reading about massage......wearing down now, coming "back" i guess, still feel strange, not me, whoever that is, worried about friends, about self, of course, people are so freakin self centered it's disgusting, and i'm one of the worst examples there are. i've got to be one of the most pathetic great just made mikey feel worse least i'm good at something i'm practicing your name so i can say it to your face i want to hear blurry so this song will get out of my head there, oh, it played mario brothers, that's kinda funny, thanks bunny boy...everything's so blurry, and everyone's so fake, and everybody's empty, and everything is so messed up, then a bunch of crap about worlds and seas and protection from bad language, god, i might cry, good, wish i would; feel better then, maybe...everyone is changind, there's no one left that's real, so make up your own ending, and let ME KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL, 'cause i am lost without youl....oh, i know, this is about...oh, god, it makes since, not all lovey crap....haveta listen to it again....nobody told me what to say, everyone showed you...but did anyone show you? where are you going, who are you going to? do you know that i'm talking to you? listen to this song, it is good....restarting it now, i wish i could play piano my friends, they are my family, my world, they are everything, everything's so blurry, and everyone's so fake...we've been through this...preoccupied without you, i cannot live at all my whole world surrounds you, i stumble and i fall i wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are, oceans in between us, and i am lost without you ,,,,cause i am lost without you, i cannot live at all, you can be my someone, you can be...no, no, not lovey, don't any of you get the wrong idea, not about that...where is woowoo? woowoo, i passed politics; how are you, where are you...toby was out when i got into my room today, just him, dunno why, put him back though....my babies, there goes mikey, he is tired out by my, whatever i am doing...ooh, don't fear the reaper just came on, is this a sign? seasons don't fear the reaper, we'll be able to fly...always wanted to fly....crap, mikey's about to mess this song up for me, dang him, dang him, tie him to a tree and hang him...never mind, he's too tired to argue with me, and so i will babble incessantly until i know that i'm too exhausted to do anything but sleep once i get to my room, wake me up early tomorrow so that i can finish packing, who am i talking to anyway?....deana carter, what makes you stay....when your world falls apart...at the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, you still look at...whoever...and say, i just can't walk away....i don't have the strength not to fight anymore, or a reason not to leave, so tell me why do i keep holding on to something i just can't see...tell me, what makes you stay...what makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart...i don't have a heart, i mistook it for a cheeseburger and ate it, i hope you read that damion or whoever you're claiming to be right now, not that you'd care either. i've always been the first to say good-bye...well, that's a lie, oh, well...why does it always rain on me, is it be/cause i lied when i was 17...and 18...and 19...and 20....jakob the liar, matthew the liar, sara the liar, lies, lies, lies...jakob dylan, kamila rose, aurora belladonna...belladonna is a poison, by the way; my mother grew it for a while, i think, but i could be wrong...eyes getting tire; must be a good sign....wonder where my real journal is anyway....probly toby ate it when he got out....new song, brain going numb, good, good, good...oh, that's funny; absence of the heart, deana carter. told you i didn't have one...i write you letters inever send them i can't figure out how to send them...we live together separetly, can't spell that's worong abosence of the heart that's ssuppoed to be end not send how did hwe lose it why idid this happen when did hwe take it all fro graneted we sit in silence inside wer're crying i can't remember whow to cry anymorw, goldfish, goldgish, goldgish...........daisy in my foundtian, no walk today, too many memories, good fbad all lies who knows begga'rs opera, mikle what were we doing in the fountain that night....meeting kaybay to go....somethwere, don't remember...nutcracker? no, 'caus eyou'll didn' see that with me, right, i dunno...we all went to see something.wwhat the heck was it my bed ist to low or high like a cage i be, could be fun wanted t o read oh well so much for that book ff sorrows it's aqua now sometihng about princess of egylpt chemilca said it sounds like a boy boyand there they do i unno...really tired now...made3 a d in poilitcslllost my faith in you even though i did my best ididn't pass the test blah, blah blah, shiggidy shiggidy shway, maybe i need prozak, but he is in my room and besides he bites

previous - next