8:05 pm - 2003-08-27
~~All Right~~
Last night I was thinking about things, like how you always tend to hold on to the good memories more reluctantly than the bad...like The Family trapping me in the hallway to look at my arms, and tricking me into going to therapy, and the night I walked out on them. My mother says she never used to read fairy tales to me when I was little 'cause she didn't want me to get screwed over by the idea that some "knight in shining armor on a white horse" would come sweep me away and solve all of my problems (you know...like she did). And it occurred to me that all of these bad memories really seemed to suck at the time, but they all have happy endings: them seeing my arms was the beginning of healing, or something philosophical like that; going to therapy may not exactly have fixed me, but at least I was brainwashed enough to not do anything else stupid, and even though I walked out, I came back. I always come back...

Miks said that I always push people out...that I push their buttons to see how much crap they'll take from me, to test them or something along those lines. I guess it's my modus operendi, or however you spell that...man, college is really dumbing me up. I can't seem to handle things if it looks like they're going to work out...I guess it's because "good" never seems to be as permanent as "bad". When things are bad, it sucks, but it's consistent, you know? If it goes away, that's good, but when things that are decent go away...I wonder why lesbians use a triangle as a symbol. Why not a circle, or a square? Or a diamond? If I were the lesbian in charge of choosing a national lesbian symbol, I would have picked a cow, I think. A pink cow, with orange stripes and flippers instead of hooves. Instead of "Moo", she would have said "Oom", and her name would be Pistachio.

You know what's even weirder? Everyone is on that Troll's side, even me.

"She wakes me up in the middle of the night just to tell me everything will be all right. Yeah, I tell myself the same d*!# thing..."

"Everything's gonna be all right; rock-a-bye..."

"Even if it's a lie, say it will be all right, and I shall believe..."

previous - next